Demented Fairytales
by Azuril Noir Raine
Summary: these are parodies, i guess they'd be called that anyway, of some of Grimm's work. now, it's been forever since i've posted here. so, if this isn't allowed here anymore, don't get all up in my face about it, just tell me and i'll get rid of it.
1. Chapter 1

**Azuril Noir Raine(ANR)**: this is a short lil collection of traditional fairy tales, told with a YYH twist. Me hopes you likes.

**Marron**: does anyone besides Anshi-chan, Jetta-san, Li-kun and Kilandra-sama ever like your stories?

**ANR**: **twiddles fingers **well, no but, I can dream, can't I...?

**Marron**: right, sure ya can, Azuril.

**Sesshoumaru**: my, vicious today, aren't we, Marron?

**Dark Link(DL)**: maybe it's his time of month.

**Vegeta**: **Nodding head, arms crossed over his chest **probably is...

**Marron**: it is not!

**DL**: yes it is.

**Marron**: no, it isn't.

**Sesshoumaru**: prove it.

**Marron**: well...

**Sesshoumaru**: hah! You can't, can you? cuz we're right, aren't we?

**Marron**: ...

**Vegeta**: I knew it.

**DL**: no you didn't.

**Vegeta**: yea, I did!

**The two can be seen in chibi form, arguing in the back, ANR sitting at her computer watching the argument, Sesshoumaru is in the very front also in chibi form, laughing at a chibi Marron, who is crying.**

**Marron**: that's it! **yanks out a ward **Suzaku!

**Sesshoumaru**: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! **is now being chased by a gient fire bird, still in chibi form**

**Marron is also still in chibi form, laughing moniacly at Sesshie**

**ANR/DL/Vegeta watch the scene before them with oober sweatdrops**

**ANR**: **looks at the other two **do you know them?

**DL**: nope. **shakes head**

**Vegeta**: not me.

**ANR**: me neither. Now, on with the legal stuff! Katan, would you please?

**Katan**: Azuril does not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the fairy tales used in this selection. Any original characters used belong to their respective owners, who are most likely not Azuril-

**ANR**: ok, Katan, you can stop now! And now, on to the rest of the legal stuff!

**Anubis(Shuten Doji)**: rating will be anywhere between PG and PG-13.

**Seto**: content is cussing, suggestive dialog, crossdressing, shounen ai and Azuril's constant rambling.

**ANR**: you're pushing it, Seto...

**Seto**:

**Cloud**: no spoilers, unless you've never read anything by Grimm before.

**Sanosuke**: have fun and remember, reviews are always welcome!

**ANR**: flame me if you must, I will tease you! be warned!

**Chibi Glorfindel(CG)**: Chee!

**All accept ANR/CG**: --;;;;


	2. hanzel & gretle

**Azuril Noir Raine(ANR)**: ok, now, I am going to tell you all a few stories!

**Sanosuke hands ANR a big book with the words 'Big Book of Illigal Documents' written on it**

**ANR**: thank you, Sano.

**Katan**: ;; are you sure that's the right book?

**ANR**: oh, yes.

**Katan**: ok...

**ANR**: alright, "Little Red Riding Hood" ok, here we go...once, there lived a poor couple, who barely had enough to buy food-

**Yusuke**: **is one of the members of the poor couple **wrong story, dumbass!

**ANR**: sorry, jeez, picky SOB...

**Yusuke**: I heard that!

**ANR**: ok, let's just keep reading, I'll figure out which story this is later then!

**Yusuke**: fine by me!

**ANR**: fine!

**Yusuke**: fine!

**ANR**: fine. Ok, so _anyways_, there was a poor couple who barely had enough to live off of, they were so poor, they were forced to sell everything-

**Yusuke**: even my nagging wife!

**Jetta**: **stomps out of house and beams yusuke square in the face **whadya mean 'nagging'! I swear it, you, I'll break you in half and sell the pieces!

**Yusuke**: you see what I mean! No respect!

**ANR**: well, I'm sure you deserve every bit of the tourment.

**Yusuke**: do not!

**ANR**: I am moving on now!

**Jetta/Yusuke**: fine!

**ANR**: ok, ahem well, anyways, they barely had enough money to buy anything at all... **sees the inside of their house **hey! How come you two have a computer!

**Jetta**: to make money.

**Yusuke**: we sell everything on E Bay for twice as much as it's worth.

**ANR**: that's cheating! **computer vanishes **now, on with the story! Well, one day, the husband took their three oldest children out and abandoned them in the woods, because he and his wife could not feed or take care of them...

**Yusuke**: **to his three 'children', who just happen to be Kurama, Hiei and Kuwabara **you all suck and I hate you now go away.

**Kurama**: **grabs hold of Kuwabara from behind as he begins to leave **Yusuke, don't screw around.

**Yusuke**: fine. Since your mother and I can't care for you any longer, we're leaving you to fend for yourselves.

**Hiei**: hn.

**ANR**: with that, he left them.

**Kuwabara**: hey, does anyone have anything to eat?

**Kurama/Hiei glare at him**

**ANR**: meanwhile, back at the couple's house...

**Yusuke**: honey, I'm home! I abandoned our children in the woods!

**Jetta**: what? What'd you do that for!

**Yusuke**: well, I...

**Jetta**: we could have sold them to buy food! **points to windowsill, where Yukina is seated, a sign in her lap that says '50 cents...seven dollars with instruction manual and cookbook'**

**Yusuke**: here's an idea, **shameless grin **how 'bout you and me make some more of em? Rrrrooorrrr...

**Jetta**: oo;;;;

**ANR**: several minutes later...

**Yusuke**: **rubbing a hand-print shaped bruise on his face **geez, I can't believe this...here kids! Come here! Hey! Yo, where are ya!

**ANR**: but the kids were smarter then that, either that or they were too far away to hear him-

**Hiei**: **fingers in ears **lalalalalaaaaaaaaaa, I'm not listeniiiiiiiiiiiiinggg! Lalalaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

**Kurama**: --;;;;;;;;;;

**Kuwabara: is now eating his shoe**

**ANR**: ooooooooooooookyaaaaaaaaayyyyyy...

**Kurama**: just get this over with!

**ANR**: fine! Ok, well, anyways, the three children were walking through the woods when they smelled something delicious...

**Kuwabara**: mmmmmmmm, I smell something good.

**Kurama**: well, there's a surprise.

**Hiei**: hn.

**Kurama**: will you _please_ try to say more!

**Hiei**: hn-ha.

**Kurama**: **sarasticly **oh, ho! Clever!

**Hiei**:

**ANR**: oooooooooooooooookyyyyyyyayaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy-well, they followed the smell to a small cottage, made of pie! () 

**Kurama/Hiei**: THAT'S NOT RIGHT!

**ANR**: fine!

**Kuwabara**: PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! **rushes at house**

**ANR/Kurama/Hiei blink a bit**

**ANR**: well, I guess one of the kids-

**Hiei**: the stupidest one.

**ANR**: -ran to the house and began to eat it.

**Kurama/Hiei watch Kuwabara eating the house**

**Kurama**: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww...

**Hiei**: ningen no baka...

**ANR/Kurama**: gasp he speaks!

**Hiei**: ha, ha...

**ANR**: well, the other two were hesitant to approach, mainly because of their sibling's terrible eating habits.

**Hiei**: I don't really want to go near him, he may accidently eat me...

**ANR**: well, you _are_ small enough...

**Hiei**: smacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmack I am not short.

**ANR**: (Xx) 

**Kurama**: can we continue before I'm forced to curl up into a fetal position on the ground and twitch in pure agony?

**ANR**: sure. Although I wouldn't mind seeing that...

**Kurama**: hm?

**ANR**: nothing. () ;; well, eventually the two remaining children just couldn't take it anymore, they began to eat the house too.

**Hiei**: do they make sweet snow pie, Kurama?

**Kurama**: check the roof, I thought I saw some.

**Hiei**: yay! **flits up to the roof**

**Kurama**: a roof made of ice cream...who'd have thought... **shrugs**

**ANR**: just then, the owner of the house noticed them eating it...actually, they'd known for a while, but hadn't said anything for the sake of the story.

**Karasu**: **mumbling **I can't believe she talked me into this... **clears throat and speaks loudly **what the hell do you think you're doing!

**ANR**: Karasu! Do it like I told you to, or else!

**Karasu**: or else what?

**ANR**: or else we won't get to scene three!

**Karasu**: **reads Scene 3 in The Story Script and drools at the thought **ok, ok, I'll do it right!

**ANR**: there's a good boy... this way we both benefit...hehehe **evil grin**

**Kurama**: what're you planning?

**ANR**: shut up and eat your pie-house, Red!

**Kurama eats more pie**

**Karasu**: ok, I'll do it right... **clears throat again **nibbling, nibbling like a mouse, who is nibbling on my house?

**ANR**: I just had to hear him say that! () ok, well, the-surprisingly enough-not eaten front door to the cottage opened and what was _supposed_ to be an ugly old woman coughbut turned out to be an oober hot, raven haired youkaicough stepped out.

**Karasu**: oh, two hungry children. Come in and...um...line!

**ANR**: 'have something to eat', bimbo!

**Karasu**: 'bimbo'! ah, screw it! Just get the fuck inside!** watches them run in, then looks around **huh, I thought there were gonna be three...oh well. **turns to go back inside **and now, on to scene 3! **cackles moniacly and closes door behind him**

**ANR**: while his two siblings were ushered inside, the third of the children ran from his hiding spot to go and try to find help...

**Hiei is still eating the ice cream roof**

**ANR**: Hiei! Cut that out! You'll fall through!

**Hiei jumps in fright and hiccups**

**Hiei**: ack! Oh, my turn eh? **jumps down off the roof **hey, **looks around **where'd Kurama go?

**ANR**: Kurama and Kuwabara are inside, now you hafta go find help.

**Hiei**: what? They went in without me!

**ANR**: (--) ; Hiei, just go.

**Hiei**: go? Go where? There's nowhere _to_ go!

**ANR**: follow the trail of breadcrumbs that have mysteriously appeared behind you.

**Hiei**: **turns around to find a trail of loaves of bread leading into the forest** oh. Ok. Hey, can I eat them?

**ANR**: ...sure...

**Hiei**: ok. **follows trail, snatching up the bread and eating it as he goes**

**ANR**: odd lil youkai, that one. Anyways, inside the house...

**Karasu**: **yanks Kurama over next to him, then shoves Kuwabara into a cage and gives him a big paper bag with eye holes cut in it** here, take this and put it over your head, and just sit and eat whatever the hell Red brings you, and for God's sake, do NOT speak, I can't stand your voice.

**Aramis Thorongil(AT)**: **randomly pops in and hugs Karasu **thank you! You do have a use! **disappears**

**Karasu**: what da...

**ANR**: that was my cousin, she hates Kuwabara's voice. Anyways...

**Karasu**: oh, that's right! Keep reading!

**ANR**: ok, well, after imprisoning one of the captive children in a cage and giving him a bunch of delicious food, the evil...um...hottie forced the other child to do chres...and wear a very skandalist little French maid's outfit while doing so... **drools at the sight**

**Karasu: grins evilly**

**ANR**: meanwhile, deep in the forest, the third child was running into some problems...

**Hiei**: ah, shit! Where're the rest of the bread loaves?

**ANR**: it seems that the birds in the forest had been eating the breadcrumbs while the child wasn't looking.

**Extremely fat bird(EFB) falls out of a tree next to Hiei, who promptly fries it and eats it**

**Hiei**: shit. Shit and more shit.

**ANR**: what? Next time you wanna follow a trail of shit outta the forest!

**Hiei**: no! the NWPA would have your ass on a stick for that one.

**ANR**: true...so, we'll keep reading.

**Hiei**: ok.

** Another EFB falls out of a tree next to Hiei, who pokes it with a stick for second, then fries and eats it**

**ANR**: with his siblings in danger and himself lost in the woods, the third child began to panik.

**Hiei**: **running lamely in circles waving his hands uselessly **ah! I am insane with anger! Ah! what ever shall I do! Ah!-

**ANR**: oh, god, shut up, I can't stand it anymore! He began to try to navigate his way back.

**Hiei opens the Jagan eye and scans the area, finding the evil pie cottage he'd left, stopping to watch for a second**

**ANR**: back at the cottage...

**Karasu**: **lounging in a chair with a grin on his face and a bottle of Captain Morgan. Tosses a small random object onto the ground in front of him **oh, little slave child, I dropped my...um...well, I dropped something, come pick it up.

**Kurama**: **still in his sexy lil maid's outfit **sigh **walks over to the random object and bends down to pick it up, all the while plotting ANR's untimely death**

**Karasu/ANR**: drool () 

**Hiei**: sigh figures...better go 'find help' quick and save him...maybe I'll get a "thank you gift" **grinning. Hurries off**

**ANR still drooling, rendered sensless by the tight ass in front of her as Karasu keep randomly dropping things for Kurama to pick up**

**AT**: --;;; bakaaaaaaa...I told her Karasu was a bad addition to the plotline...

**Karasu**: you hate me, of course you think I'm a bad idea!

**AT**: True that. I do not like you. **keeps reading **the third child found a wood-cutter chopping down trees in the middle of the woods...and two of the wood cutter's companions. He ran to them and told them the situation.

**Hiei**: **turns around a tree to find Anthy, Jin and Touya standing around talking, Anthy leaning on a katana, a pile of logs behind her **hey, I need you three to follow me.

**Jin**: why?

**Hiei**: so I can save a fox in a maid's outfit and a moron from a perverted author and Karasu.

**Jin:** oh, ok.

**Touya/Anthy agree with him**

**Yet another EFB lands next to Anthy, who pokes it with her katana a bit, then looks questioningly at Jin/Touya, who shrug**

**Hiei**: those things have been following me for the past page or so.

**Anthy**: oh. Ok.

**Again, Another EFB lands next to Touya**

**Touya**??? **blinks a bit, kicks at the EFB for a second, then looks at Anthy/Jin/Hiei **let's go before we get crushed by obese birds.

**Jin/Anthy/Hiei**: ok.

**AT**: and so they headed back for the cottage... **dodges an EFB **this is rediculous! **hides from falling EFB in a bomb shelter **ok, they headed back to the evil pie cottage...and back at said cottage...things looked bleak...

**Kurama**: **arms crossed, pout on his face **no, absolutely not. You'll have to kill me first.

**Karasu**: hey, I'm your master and the master demands a lap dance!

**ANR**: so does the author!

**Kurama**: no.

**Karasu**: aw, please.

**Kurama**: absolutely not.

**Karasu**: you're no fun.

**Kurama**: not for you I'm not.

**ANR**: I'll write it down on the 'Magic Computer of Doom'.(MCoD)

**Kurama**: no! then it'll happen!

**ANR**: **begins to write**

**Kurama**: Noooooo!- losing-all-free-will-and-proper-speaking-abilities-must-obey-magic-computer-commands-lap-dance. **begins to give Karasu a lap dance**

**Karasu**: **to ANR** I love you.

**ANR**: () 

**AT**: blechy...kinky. but blechy. Thankfully, just then, the reinforcements arrived.

**Hiei**: **bursts in with Jin, Touya and Anthy to find Kurama giving Karasu a lap dance** ack!

**Anthy**: that's...ummm...

**Touya**: ...odd...

**Anthy**: yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

**AT**: **snatches the ECoD away from ANR** and-to make a long story short-they eventually beat the evil guy and rescued their captured brother.

**Another EFB falls through the hole in the ice cream roof that Hiei had eaten into existence earlier, beaming Karasu square on the head, knocking him out**

**Anthy**: well, that worked.

**Touya**: yeah, really.

**Kurama**: **snaps out of trance** what happened?

**Hiei**: uhhh...nothing! we...uh...-oh, look it's time to go!

**Kurama**: **blinks, then shrugs** ok

**AT**: and the group sold the food and valuables in the house-

**Hiei**: and Kurama's lap-dancing talent.

**AT**: -and bought a condo in Florida, they bought the poor couple an FLW house and a Harley Davidson or two and then they bought the depraved authoress a sex slave and the depraved authoress' cousin a manservant and a motorcycle. **sitting on a 2003 black and silver Harley Davidson bike with Joey Wheeler from Yu Gi Oh on a leash sitting next to her**

**ANR**: **hugging Karasu, who is holding up a sign that says 'please make it quick and painless'** and they all lived happily ever after.

**Both**: the end.

**Yusuke**: hey, can I have my computer back yet?

**AT/ANR**: oh brother...

**Karasu**: next chapter, The Three Little Pigs.

**Chibi Glorfindel(CG)**: chee!

**Dais(Rajura)**: R&R!

**meanwhile, back at the pie cottage...**

**Madoshi/Makenshi are eating the reamins of the pie cottage**

**Makenshi**: I didn't think she'd include us in anything but Unlimited fics, did you?

**Madoshi**: no. I'm as surprised as you are.

**Kuwabara**: um, can I come out of the cage now?

**Madoshi/Makenshi**: no.

**Madoshi**: you are an official forgotten and lost cause, my friend. Live with it.

**Makenshi**: sorry, pal.

**Madoshi**: **raises an eyebrow** no, you aren't.

**Makenshi**: no, I'm really not.

**Madoshi**: is that French Silk pie you're sitting next to?

**Makenshi**: why, yes it is. That would make a good commercial. **handing his brother pie** 'excuse me is that French Silk pie?' 'Why, yes it is.'

**Madoshi**: no more late night TV for you.

**Makenshi**:

**Madoshi**: **to the camera** Happy End.

**Makenshi**: 'Happy End'? What the hell's 'Happy End'?

**Madoshi**: sh!

**Vincent**: Azuril does not own Yu Yu Hakusho, or any of its characters. She is only giving them more reasons to seek therapy of a savere sort. She does not own Madoshi or Makenshi, or myself, the three of us belong to our respective Final Fantasies, any other characters belong to their respective series and creators. **eats some pie** now Happy End.

**Makenshi**: what's 'Happy End'!

**Madoshi/Vincent**: sh!


	3. the three little pigs

**ANR**: ok, after forever of waiting, those of who like my stuff can read a new chapter to the Demented Fairy Tales!  
**Aken**: only as proof that she has no life and starves herself sitting at her computer waiting for reviews.  
**ANR**: when I'm not fighting with my family or annoying my cousin.  
**Katan**: what story will you be doing again?  
**ANR**: The Three Little Pigs.  
**Yusuke**: You got the right story this time!  
**ANR**: yes I do. Let it alone! Ok, here we go. Once upon a time there lived three little pigs...  
**Suzaku/Shishiwakamaru/Touya are standing there with fake piggy ears on**  
**ANR**: one day, they left home for a...ummm...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauummmmmmmmmmmmmnnnaahhh-a better life! ( - )  
**Suzaku**: is there any purpose to this at all?  
**Touya/Shishi shake their heads**  
**Suzaku**: that's what I figured.  
**ANR**: quark it and leave home!  
**Shishi**: **while the three remove their fake ears** is this 'better life' away from you!  
**ANR**: ... (--) ;; sure, why the hell not.  
**Shishi**: **dragging the other two behind him** comeonecomeoncomeon-lezzgolezzgolezzgo-hustle up, you two!  
**Suzaku**: well, isn't this nice? **voice is dripping with sarcasm**

**Touya**: heh, yea really... **also sarcastic**  
**ANR**: eventually, they found a spot big enough to fit all three of their houses and they began to build...  
**Shishi**: Gimme some of that straw!  
**Suzaku**: then quit hoggin' the damn sticks!  
**Touya**: **watching from the side** they make me sad...  
**Anshi**: **spontanious guest appearance** so what are you gonna build your house out of?  
**Touya**: what else? Bricks.  
**Anshi**: makes sense.  
**ANR**: hey! What're you doin' down there!  
**Anthy**: talkin' ta Touya.  
**ANR**: oh. Well, get atta there, you're messin' up the ficcy!  
**Anthy**: sorry. **walks away**  
**Yusuke**: hurry it up! This story is retarded!  
**ANR**: well, so are you, so quit yer bitching! **uses Magic Authory Powers to create a metal plate over Yusuke's rude, rude cake hole** ok, so, anyways, one day, a fo-wolf! He's a wolf in this fic! Not a fox! I didn't say fox! A wolf happened by the area...with his wind manipulating friend...  
**Youko**: what the hell is this?  
**Jin**: **examines the houses** straw...sticks...and bricks...  
**Youko**: ah, well, may as well have a little fun... **waltzes his cute ass up to the straw house**  
knockknock  
**Shishi**: who is it?  
**Youko**: **grins** mailman.  
**Shishi**: already got it.  
**Youko**: tax collector!**Shishi**: paid on Thursday.  
**Youko**: **turns to Jin, mocking Shishi** he paid on Thursday! **whiny, nasely voice, nose scrunched**  
**Jin**: **shrugs** IRS sucks ass, don't it?  
**Youko**: you know it. **turns back to the door** decorator!  
**Shishi**: go piss on a bee-hive, I don't need your help!  
**Jin**: touchy guy...  
**Youko**: plumbing! **getting rather POed about now**  
**Shishi**: I don't have any pipes in a goddam straw house!  
**Jin**: candygram?  
**Shishi**: oo, yay! **opens door** uuuhh...  
**Shishi/Youko/Jin**: 0-o;;;;;;;;; (0-o) ;;;;;;;;; **blink a bit**  
**Shishi**: **blushing at his own idiocy** bye-bye. **slams door on them**  
**Youko**: **veins floating around everywhere** blow it down. ( - )  
**Jin**: wha-  
**Youko**: **shoves him at the house** blow, dammit!  
**Jin**: o-o;;;;;;; **blows house down**  
**Shishi**: eep! **runs over to Sukzaku's house**  
**Youko**: **stomps over to the stick house** open the door and gimme the sissy!  
**Suzaku**: bugger off!  
**Youko**: **blinks a bit** you're supposed to say something like 'not by the hair on my chiny-chin-chin' aren't you:  
**Suzaku**: well, I'm not a pig. Aren't you supposed to put that hot air you're spewing off to good use and 'huff and puff and blow my house down'!  
**Youko**: **looks enraged** I am not a wolf! **prepares to bash the door in and kick the other demons' asses all the way to Rekai**  
**Jin**: isn't this a little steriotypical of us?  
**Youko**: **thinks for a second** hmm...you may be right. Fine then, you figure out a way to open it.  
**Jin**: **walks around the house looking it over carefully** hey, what if I just pull this mone stick that's sticking out at an odd angle here?  
**Youko**: **mutters to self** a stick sticking out...huh...who'da thought? **out loud** it'll never work.  
**Jin**: you don't watch enough cartoons.  
**Youko**: whatever.  
**Jin yanks the twig and lets out a startled yelp as the house falls in front of him. Runs from falling sticks**  
**Youko**: wow. That really worked.  
**Jin**: see? Told ya.  
**Youko**: nyeaaahh! **sticks out tongue and pulls down eyelid**  
**Suzaku/Shishi are standing in the middle of the debris**  
**Suzaku**: well, this certainly can't be good...  
**Shishi**: no, it really can't.  
**Youko**: **grins as though he were evil itself, cracks knuckles** well, well, well, looks like these little pain in the ass piggies won't be going 'all the way home'...  
**Suzaku/Shishi**: uh-oh...  
**Youko**: **rearranges their faces** smacksmacksmackwhackwhamslapslapslapslapslapwhompsmacksmackwhompcracksmackwhackwhackwhack aahhhh... **straightens out tunic. Uses a very fake French accent A/N: a prize to whoever can tell me what movie this next line is from, I forgot...** 'Zat felt good.'  
**Jin**: 0-o;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I am seriously considering a change in careers...  
**Suzaku/Shishi**: X-x  
**Jin**: what about this last house?  
**Youko**: **looking at brick house** I don't suppose 'ACME' has a way outta this one, do they?  
**Jin**: not unless you're Calamity Coyote.  
**Youko**: well, I'm not.  
**Jin**: then, sorry but we may have to tunnel into the wall like rats.  
**Youko**: **fake enusiastic voice** that is a lovely visual picture there, thank you, Jin.  
**Jin**: -;;  
**ANR**: **to Youko** is this your happy face?  
**Youko**: **gives her a look, then ignores her** any other ideas, genius?  
**Jin**: well, don't look at me! You're the former thief, you think of something!  
**Youko**: fine! **thinks a bit** ok, I think I got it! Here's what we're gonna do, I'll wait by the back door while you go through the ventilation system, into the house and then unlock it from the inside. But there are gonna be lazers and motion sensor beams cross crossing the vent shafts so you're going to hafta keep low and then slither like some form of amphibious dolphin.  
**Jin**: **raises an eyebrow** can I buy pot from you?  
**ANR**: uh, guys, why don't you just ring the bell. I mean, it's Touya's house we're talking about here after all.  
**Jin**: Touya's in there? Yay! **rings bell**  
**Touya**: who is it?  
**Jin**: candygram!  
**Touya**: Jin! **opens the door and lets him in, leaving behind a very lost fox demon**  
**ANR**: umm...and they...lived happily...ever...after?  
**Chibi Youko can be seen in the back driving a bulldozer at the brick house and laughing moniacly**  
**ANR**: (--) ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;  
**Black Death(BD)**: R&R, People!  
**Chibi Glorfindel**(CG): Chee!   
**All Else Aside From ANR/CG**: blinkblink ?


	4. jack & the bean stalk

**ANR**: ok, here's another chapter. Hope ya like. But first, we review the previous insanity. First was Hanzel and Gretle...uh...did I spell that correctly?  
**Karasu**: who gives a damn?  
**ANR**: this is point. Well, the first was what I said before, the second was The Three Little Pigs and this one will be...um...help!  
**Hiei**: baka author! You should know this stuff ahead of time!  
**ANR**: well, I don't know many traditional fairy tales! (TT ) 

**Kurama**: how about Little Bow Peep?  
**ANR**: does that count as a fairy tale?  
**Kurama**: I dunno.  
**Kuronue**: how 'bout Jack and the Bean Stalk?  
**ANR**: yay!  
**Hiei**: why do I have a bad feeling about this?  
**Kurama**: because it's Azuril.  
**Hiei**: yea, that'll do it.  
**ANR**: Cease your barky noise making. ok, let's do this! Once upon a time there lived-  
**Yusuke**: don't you dare say it!  
**ANR**: Kuronue, will you dispose of him?  
**Kuronue**: ay ay, ma'am. **Drags away a kicking, screaming Yusuke**  
**ANR**: now, as I was saying...once upon a time, there lived a poor widow and her son, Jack. But, for the sake of the story-and my easily confused mind, we changed his name to Anthy and he is now a she. Ok?  
**Anthy**: yay!  
**All**: -.-;;;  
**ANR**: ok, well, one day Anthy's mother told her to take their best cow to market and sell it.  
**Keiko**: **playing part of "Jack"'s mother** Anthy, take the cow to market and sell it-and no damned magic beans like those stupid neighbor kids keep getting!  
**Anthy**: hey, I'm not dumb enough to trade a cow for a bunch'a shriveled up bean seeds! Think a little higher of my intellagence! Sheesh! **Snatches rope away from Keiko and gives it a good yank** come on, milk-maker, move it! **'nuther good yank**  
**Kuwabara**: **dressed as a cow. Is yanked onto the set. Glares at ANR** I hate you.  
**ANR**: **beams him with her book** cows don't talk!  
**Kuwabara**: X-x;  
**Anthy**: --;;; whatever, come on, Bessie. **Gives another good tug then starts walking**  
**ANR**: after several minutes of walking, they came across a merchant doing what he does best-making people feel stupid!  
**(Teen)Koenma**: Step right up, the bargin of a lifetime! **Sees Anthy and Cowabara** you, young lady, how much for the deformed goat?  
**Anthy**: he's a cow.  
**Koenma**: yes, yes, how much for the horse?  
**Anthy**: --;; Nothing from you, pal.  
**Koenma**: but I have these lovely magic-  
**Anthy**: I don't do anything with beans in it...for multiple reasons.  
**Koenma**: no, no beans here, young lady, just generic magic seeds.**Anthy**: no specific type?  
**Koenma**: don't know, don't garden.  
**Anthy blanches**  
**Koenma**: so, how about it? These magic generic seeds for the moose.  
**Kuwabara**: cow! I-I mean, 'moo'!  
**ANR**: **slowly lowers book** good save, ugly. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Eventually, the girl was persuaided and sold the cow for ten seeds.  
**Koenma**: unfortunetly, she didn't trust me enough to take them without collateral...a grand a seed... TT

**Anthy laughs evilly**  
**ANR**: you'll be sharing that then right?  
**Anthy**: pardon? **Looks around innocently** who's talking?  
**ANR**: . oh, ha ha. Well, she got back home but didn't quite get the reaction she'd hoped she would from her mother.  
**Keiko**: **staring blankly at the seeds** I thought we talked about this.  
**Anthy**: well, yea, but you said no magic bean seeds. These are magic generic seeds. **Has, of course, hidden the money**  
**Keiko**: is that so? **Takes seeds from Anthy and chucks them out the window** well, they can be 'magically generic' outside.  
**Anthy**: hey, I wanted to chew on those.  
**Keiko**: I'm gonna go wash something.  
**Anthy**: ooooooooooookyaaaaaay.  
**Keiko**: as opposed to STRANGLING you! I said no seeds! Now go to your room!  
**Anthy**: no, you said no bean seeds. You never said anything about generic seeds.

**Keiko**: it was implied.

**Anthy**: fine. **Walks over to a nearby cardboard box and sits in it**  
**Keiko**: **hands on hips** one of these days, I'm gonna remodel this place.  
**ANR**: skipping to the next day...when Anthy woke up, she looked out her window to find.  
**Anthy**: Santa?  
**ANR**: ...no. not Santa.  
**Anthy**: oh. Then what did I find? You left me dry on scenery here!

**ANR**: what! **looks out the window** dammit! That's what I get for letting Miroku do the scenery stuff! You! **Points to random minion** Go to a commercial!  
**Intermission.**

**Small bunnies and chibis of various bishounen dance to 'Spicy Marmalade' from Gravitation  
ANR**: ok, and now on with the show!  
**Anthy**: I'm looking...and...seeing...a...gient...noodle-rope...thingy? You couldn't do better?  
**ANR**: hey, you said it yourself, I got stiffed! Now climb the damned noodle!  
**Anthy**: ok ok! Sheesh! **Climbs noodle, with some slippadge...it's a little buttery**  
**Hiei**: you are just sad.  
**ANR**: shaddap! I'm trying to get this done without accidental deaths! The girl climbed the noodle, and at the top she found-

**Anthy**: not another pie house!**ANR**: ...no, I wasn't stiffed here. She found a castle. A very, very, very gigantic castle. Floating in the sky.  
**Anthy**: -- gee, how mystical...sigh let's go see what type of gient house pet tries to eat me frist... **walks up to the castle and is about to knock on the door when a small doggy door catches her eye** huh, whodda thought... **squeezes through the doggy door** wow. Nice place.  
**ANR**: she began her investigation of the place. She hadn't gotten even halfway across the first room when a noise caught her attention.  
**Youko**: big place, huh?  
**Anthy**: whoa-whodat! **begins to look around franticly for the fox, finds him hanging in a cage from the ceiling** how...?  
**Youko**: I find myself asking that question a lot as of late. Though, that isn't what we're talking about. Now, is it?  
**Anthy slowly shakes head**  
**Youko**: The castle's nice but the view does get a little monotinous. Especially when your not allowed out of your cage eccept when it comes to producing golden-  
**ANR**: eggs! Say eggs, dammat!  
**Youko**: fine! You can have your damn eggs, just don't go to sleep tonight!  
**ANR**: (0-0) ;; **audible gulp**  
**Youko**: ahem as I was saying...accept when it comes to producing golden eggs for the sheer enjoyment of both the author and the moron that captured you.  
**Anthy**: **looks at ANR** this is what you think of?  
**ANR**: I like eggs!  
**Youko**: **sarcastic** especially Youko Eggs?  
**ANR**: well, I like Youko...and I like eggs...so yes. I like Youko Eggs. **is quite dense**  
**Youko**: (--) shoot me. Just...shoot me.  
**Anthy**: anyways!  
**ANR**: oh! Anyways, just then, the floor began to shake with heavy footsteps. Then a loud voice spoke...and the voice better say what's written in the script or it's in damn big trouble!  
**Yusuke**: fine, I'll read your damned script! Fee-fie-foe-fum, I smell the blood of a...um.  
**Anthy**: don't you DARE say Englishman!  
**Yusuke**: wasn't my plan. Well, if I don't smell an English guy, then what do I smell?  
**Youko**: if you truely want my opinion, your Giant-ness, you smell funny.  
**Anthy falls over anime style**  
**Yusuke**: well, I don't want your opinion!  
**Youko**: here, have some weed. **Hands him a giant sized joint to subdue him**  
**Tea**: **guest appearance from Yu Gi Oh** Nooo, my weed!  
**Aramis Thorongil(AT)/ANR/Anthy**: AAH! DIIE! **Kill Tea grotesquely**  
**AT**: NOW WE MUST SANCTIFY THIS LAND SO THE EVIL MAY NEVER RISE AGAIN! **pours a wine cooler in a circle around the corpse** THE DEED IS DONE! **eats a large amount of beef jerky and chocolate**  
**Anthy**: Been eatin' those 'brownies from Hell' we made earlier, ey, Aramis?  
**AT**: oh, no. it's being used as a door-stop, dog treats, bricks and fertilizer...and my dad eats them...but lord knows no sane human would eat them.  
**ANR**: CHEETOHS SAVED THE DAY!  
**All Three Of Them**: CHEETOHHHHSS!**ANR**: now, someone has to clean that up... **points to the charred mass of gore that was once Tea** I may be the Authoress, and partly responssible for making the mess, but I refuse to do manual labor.  
**Yami (yet another guest appearance from Yu Gi Oh) scoops Tea up into a shovel and takes her away to be eaten by ravinous Plot Bunnies**  
**ANR**: there. All better.**don't ask. Authoress needs more drugs, less caffine, more sleep and more theropy**  
**Yusuke**: The damn clock's makin' faces at me! **In his drugged up state, has a glare-down with the, quite inanimate, clock. Doesn't notice Anthy unlocking Youko's cage**  
**Anthy**: come, blondie! **Waits for the fox to transform then grabs him by the scuff of his neck and hauls ass atta there**  
**ANR**: at the bottom if the noodle...  
**Anthy**: well, that was...all together too out there for me...** gets up and heads for home** Mom, I'm home! I brought a fox that lays golden eggs!  
**Keiko**: no more magic bean seeds for you. They make you hallusinate.  
**Anthy**: no, it's true. And they were magic generic seeds. Not bean seeds. Show her, Youko!  
**Youko is still in fox form. Shrugs his shoulders, lifts his leg**  
**Keiko**: if he does what I think he's about to, we're either eating him, or saving him for dinner.  
**Anthy/ANR**: yoink!  
**Youko is now lying on a large golden egg) (huffs and falls asleep**  
**Anthy**: guess that tired him out a bit.  
**Keiko**: o-o;  
**Anthy**: Let's go see what else the big druggy's got up there. **Heads back up the noodle** lessee, there's fox boy's cage, there's the giant high Yusuke.  
**Yusuke**: bonnngg.  
**Anthy**: then, on to the next room.  
**ANR**: in said next room, she found.  
**Anthy**: 0-0;  
**Kurama**: **glares death at her** don't you say a word.  
**Anthy**: couldn't think of anything to say, Red... **walks up to the red-head, who is tied to a giant, golden harp and dressed like a muse. Looks thoughtful** y'know, there are so many wrong ways to take this.  
**Kurama**: if you don't get me the hell of this thing, I'll scream rape.  
**Anthy**: but you have no reason to screm rape...at least not yet.  
**ANR**: No! My Red! Get your own YYH bitch!  
**Anthy**: how 'bout Youko?  
**ANR**: fertilizing his eggs, huh?  
**Kurama**: sorry to interrupt, ladies-and I do use the term loosely-, but this is a rather perverse conversation that quite frankly, I'd rathered not hear. So could you please get me off this thing before that doped up perv in the other room comes back in here and-  
**ANR**: geez, Red, take a breath.  
**Kurama**: gomen. **Looks at Anthy** now, would you please GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING THING!  
**Anthy**: O-o;;;;; **unties him, hoists him up oer her shoulder and hauls ass, yet again, out of the castle**  
**ANR**: at the bottom of the noodle, the girl did the only thing left to do-**Anthy**: go look for more hotties!  
**ANR**: (--) no! Stick with the chicken fox and the music man!  
**Kurama gives ANR the finger. ANR pulls out the Evil Computer of Doom(ECoD) and writes something. A vent then appears on the ground under the red-head and blows up a gust of air, making him pull a Meralyn Monroe with the muse's robes he is still wearing...the gust does not stop and he is forced to stay that way.**  
**ANR**: And she saw that it was good! Anyways, the girl did the only thing left to do, chop down the bean-stalk. But in this case, it wasn't that simple.  
**Anthy**: now, how am I supposed to do this?  
**Kuronue**: **pops up outta nothingness** get a refund?  
**Anthy**: Aha! I love you! **Kisses him then runs off to find Koenma**  
**Kuronue**: hey, a noodle... **eats noodle**  
**Anthy**: **returns with Koenma only to find that the noodle has been eaten** Ack!

**Kuronue**: burp  
**Koenma**: that's it, no more refunds! Ever! **Stomps away**  
**ANR**: umm...and the mother and daughter used the chicken-fox's eggs and the red-head's prettiness to buy a bigger and better home-  
**Keiko**: that I got to remodel.  
**ANR**: -and put Kuronue on weight watchers...that and monitered his starch intake for the next couple years...and they lived happily ever after, with the giant still living high- **pretends to take a drag on a joint** -as a kite. The end!  
**Sephiroth**: is the next chapter going to be Little Red Riding Hood?  
**ANR**: who knows? We'll go with the flow. R&R, peeps!  
**Chibi Glorfindel(CG)**: Chee!


End file.
